Funny and Hilarious Jokes




Bitten by vampire



Patient: Doctor, I think that I’ve bitten by a vampire.

Doctor: Drink this glass of water.

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Patient: Will it make me better?

Doctor: “No, but I’ll be able to see if your neck leaks.”

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My wife don’t like it



A police asked to a thief, “Why you went to stole same rack 3 times in a store?

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The Thief replied, “Sir, I stole one dress for my wife and I came to change it twice.”

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An engineer in hell



An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer, you’re in the wrong place.”

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.

devil

One day, God calls Devil up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”

Devil replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, lets see what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake “he should never have gone down there, send him up here.”

Devil says, “No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”

God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

Devil laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah right and just where are you going to get a lawyer, when all of them are here”.

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Deep hole



Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.

“Wow…that looks deep.”

“Sure does… toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is.”

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait… no noise.

“Jeeez. That is REALLY deep… here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise.

hole.jpg

They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait… and wait. Nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, “Hey…over here in the weeds, there’s a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it’s GOTTA make some noise.”

The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it’s legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they’ve just seen…

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Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. “Hey… you two guys seen my goat out here?” “You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen. It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!”

“Nah”, says the farmer, “That couldn’t have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie.”

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Parking the car



An Indian man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to India on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Indian man hands over the keys and documents of new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank.

He produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

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The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Indian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Indian returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow “$5,000″ ?

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The Indian replies:
“Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return’”

Ah, the mind of the Indian…

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