Hilarious Lawyer Jokes





I Know You



A lawyer approached to an elderly grandmother and asked, “Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’re a big disappointment to me.

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You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.”

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”

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Lawyer In hell



A lawyer died and was delivered into the devil’s hands. “You will be spending eternity here, but I’ll let you pick your own room from three I’ll show you,” the devil said.

In the first room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a brick floor. “I don’t like that,” said the man. “Show me the second.”

In the second room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a wood floor. “Well, that’s better than brick,” the man said, “but show me the third.”

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In the third, thousands of people were standing ankle-deep in a room full of maggot infested garbage, all drinking coffee.

“I’ll choose this room,” he said.

Into the room he went and the door slammed behind him.

Immediately, the voice of a minor demon rang out, “OK, coffee break is over, back on your heads.”

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Performe an autopsy



Lawyer: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”
Witness: “No.”

Lawyer: “Did you check for blood pressure?”
Witness: “No.”

Lawyer: “Did you check for breathing?”
Witness: “No.”

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Lawyer: “So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”
Witness: “No.”

Lawyer: “How can you be so sure, Doctor?”
Witness: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”

Lawyer: “But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?”
Witness: “Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.”

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Polish remover



A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well. One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, “Very quick”!

The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions:

LAWYER: “Have you any grounds?”
POLE: An acre and half, and a nice 3 bedroom house.

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LAWYER: “No, I mean what is the foundation of the case?”
POLE: “It is made of concrete, bricks & mortar.”

LAWYER: Does either of you have a real grudge?”
POLE: No, We have a carport and don’t need a grudge.

LAWYER: “I mean, what are your relations like?”
POLE: “All my relations live in Poland.”

LAWYER: “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
POLE: “Yes, we have hi-fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound.

LAWYER: “No, I mean does your wife beat you up?”
POLE: “No, I’m always up before her.”

LAWYER: “Why do you want this divorce?”
POLE: “She going to kill me!”

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LAWYER: “What makes you think that?”
POLE: “I got proof.”

LAWYER: “What kind of proof?”
POLE: “She going to poison me. She buy bottle at drug store and I read label. It say “Polish Remover”

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How much do you want it to be?



A university committee was selecting a new dean. They had narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an economist and a lawyer.

Each was asked this question during their interview: “How much is two plus two?”

Lawyer

The mathematician answered immediately, “Four.”

The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, “Four, plus or minus one.”

Finally the lawyer stood up, peered around the room and motioned silently for the committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replied, “How much do you want it to be?”

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