Hilarious Lawyer Jokes





Performe an autopsy



Lawyer: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”
Witness: “No.”

Lawyer: “Did you check for blood pressure?”
Witness: “No.”

Lawyer: “Did you check for breathing?”
Witness: “No.”

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Lawyer: “So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”
Witness: “No.”

Lawyer: “How can you be so sure, Doctor?”
Witness: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”

Lawyer: “But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?”
Witness: “Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.”

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I Know You



A lawyer approached to an elderly grandmother and asked, “Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’re a big disappointment to me.

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You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.”

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”

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Paying the fine money



A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes.

The judge said “Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100.”

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The lawyer stood up and said “Thanks, my lord, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, But if you’d allow him a few minutes in the crowd he will gather all the required fine.”

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I Love Hearing It!



A guy phones a law firm and says, “I want to speak to my lawyer”.

The receptionist says, “I’m sorry, but your lawyer died last week”.

The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, “I want to speak to my lawyer”. Once again the receptionist replies, “I’m sorry, but your lawyer died last week”.

Man on phone

The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, “I want to speak to my lawyer”.

“Excuse me sir, “the receptionist says, “but this is third time I’ve had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?”

The guy replies, “Because I love hearing it!”

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Sound advice



A Philosopher is giving speech in a crowed, he told to the people, “Always listen to your wife as she gives 100% sound advice.”

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People from the crowed asked him, “Please Sir, tell in details how the wife gives 100% sound advice?”

The Philosopher replied, “99% sound and 1% advice.”

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