Hilarious Lawyer Jokes

I Love Hearing It!

A guy phones a law firm and says, “I want to speak to my lawyer”.

The receptionist says, “I’m sorry, but your lawyer died last week”.

The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, “I want to speak to my lawyer”. Once again the receptionist replies, “I’m sorry, but your lawyer died last week”.

Man on phone

The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, “I want to speak to my lawyer”.

“Excuse me sir, “the receptionist says, “but this is third time I’ve had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?”

The guy replies, “Because I love hearing it!”

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Lawyer are clever

An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at bedside.

“I have always heard that you can’t take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory,” he said. “I have $90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with $30,000 within.”


The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, “I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000.”

The doctor then said,
“I must confess too. I needed $20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in $10,000.”

The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, “Gentlemen, I’m surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don’t see how you could dare to go against that man’s final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal check for the full amount”

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Why are you eating grass?

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine, when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside.


He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

“Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man.

“We don’t have any money for food.” the poor man replied.

“Oh, come along with me then.”

But sir, I have a wife with two children!”

“Bring them along! And you, come with us too!”, he said to the other man.

“But sir, I have a wife with six children!” the second man answered.

“Bring them as well!”

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”


The lawyer replied, “No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall.”

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Performe an autopsy

Lawyer: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”
Witness: “No.”

Lawyer: “Did you check for blood pressure?”
Witness: “No.”

Lawyer: “Did you check for breathing?”
Witness: “No.”


Lawyer: “So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”
Witness: “No.”

Lawyer: “How can you be so sure, Doctor?”
Witness: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”

Lawyer: “But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?”
Witness: “Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.”

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Paying the fine money

A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes.

The judge said “Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100.”


The lawyer stood up and said “Thanks, my lord, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, But if you’d allow him a few minutes in the crowd he will gather all the required fine.”

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