Funny and Hilarious Jokes

Talking time clock

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the drunk led the way to the bedroom, where there was a big brass gong.

“What’s that brass gong for?” asked the friend.


“It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock,” the drunk replied.

“A talking clock? How’s it work?”

“Watch this,” said the drunk. He took a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and waited. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed: “Hey, you jerk. It’s 3:00 in the morning!”

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Hundreds for one

One train which was going peacefully on the rail-tracks suddenly deviated from the tracks and went to the fields nearby and then came back on the tracks. The passengers were horrified.

On the next Railway station the driver was caught: He was questioned how the incident happened.

He explained that there was a man standing on the tracks and he was not moving from there even after lots of honks etc.


Then authorities questioned : Are you mad! just to save life of one person you put life of so many passengers under danger. You should have overran that person.

The driver replied
: “Exactly, that is what I also decided, but this idiot started running towards the field when the train came very close.”

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I don’t want to upset you

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

“C’mon, tell me,” she asked for the 1000th time, “I know you’ve been with a lot of woman before. How many were there?


The husband replied, “Look, I don’t want to upset you, there were many. Let’s just leave it alone

The wife continued to beg and plead and promised she wouldn’t get angry.

Finally, the husband gave in.

“Okay,” he said, “Let’s see, there was one, two, three, four, five, six, seven – then there’s you — nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen…..”

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There was an Aussie, a Scotsman and an Aborigine driving along, when they
rolled the car and the three of them got killed. They went to Heaven and met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. They explained that they’d been killed and needed
a place to stay.


St. Peter replied, “I’d love to help you boys but we’re full up after the holiday season.
I’m afraid you’ll have to go into Limbo till there’s a vacancy.”

The Aussie slipped St. Peter $50 and asked if that’d make any difference.
St Peter said, “For that mate, you can go back to Earth.”

By the time the Aussie got back, there were police everywhere and an ambulance.
They all got a real shock when he sat up.


“What happened? You’ve been dead for half and hour,” asked the ambulance driver. He told them about St. Peter and the $50, so the ambulance driver asked why the other
two didn’t come back.

says the Aussie, “The Scotsman’s trying to bargain him down to $20 and the Abo reckons the government should pay for it!”

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Clever Prisoner

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: “Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some flowers in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?”


The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: “Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money.”

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