Funny and Hilarious Jokes



Woman wants to show something to her hubby



A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?”

“No, I had to stop drinking years ago?”, the homeless woman replied.

“Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?” the woman asked “No, I don’t waste time shopping?”, the homeless woman said.

two-ladies.jpg

“I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”

“Will you spend this at a beauty salon instead of food?” the woman asked. “Are you NUTS?” replied the homeless woman. “I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!”

“Well,” said the woman, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight.

The homeless woman was astounded. “Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”

The woman replied, “That’s Okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine.”


A veterinary doctor in India



Once a man went to a Veterinary Doctor in India and said,“Doctor I am on vacation for a month so that I can get myself treated fully within this period.”

Doctor : I think you should go to the Doctor opposite to my clinic, see that board.

Veterinary doctor

Man : No, Doctor, I have come to you only.

Doctor : But, gentleman I am a Veterinary Doctor. I am an animal specialist. I do not treat human beings.

Man : I know, Doctor very well and that is why I have come to you only…

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Letter From Mom



When the man came home, his wife was crying.

Your mother insulted me,” she sobbed.

My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?” the man asked.

woman with letter

“I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious.

And?

At the end of the letter it was written:

PS. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don’t forget to give it to my son.


Cheating husband and wife



Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.

So, Peter asks the first guy, “How many times did you cheat on your wife?”

“None. I had a perfect marriage.”

Angel

Great, says Peter. You get to cruise around heaven in a Viper.

And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?
“Only twice, I think,” says the second guy.

Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac.

And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?
“12 times. Maybe 13,” says the third guy.

Okay, says Peter. You get a rusty Ford. Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Viper crying.

What’s wrong?

I just saw my wife.

So?

She was riding a skateboard.


Man and God



Man asked God how much is the value of $100 million to you.

God : Its about 1 cent for me.

Man : God how long is 100 years for you.

god

God : Its about 1 second for me.

Man : God why don’t you give me $100 million its only 1 cent for you.

God : Sure but can you wait 1 second.

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