Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet.
“Doctor,” he said sadly, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to cut off my dog’s tail.”
The vet stepped back, “Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?”
“Because my mother-in-law’s arriving tomorrow, and I don’t want anything to make her think she’s welcome.”
A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
“There’s no way they can catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself and opened up further.
The needle hit 90, 100…..Then the reality of the situation hit him.
Three friends were traveling and went to a desert and were not getting any food. After a long search they got one Jack fruit and some bananas. They ate bananas at night and put the Jack fruit for morning breakfast.
Next morning when they woke up and described what they dreamt at night. One is telling I went to 7th layer of the sky and saw nice young fairies were dancing besides me.
Another one is telling that I went bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. One beautiful girl came and kissed me and told me that she is the Queen of the Sea. She touches my hands and whole night we ate, drank and made merry. Really fantastic.
3rd one is now describing what he dreamt and he said, “I saw one Black tall ghost, who came to me and chased me and ordered me to eat the Jack fruit. But I told him I have got two friends, without them I will not eat the Jack fruit.
But the Ghost made me eat the Jack fruit and I ate it all. I tried to call you two, but one of you were in Mid sky and another was under the sea and having fun, so I could do save it for u!
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting together for Christmas, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.”
The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes.”
The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”
Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:
“Dear Milton,” she wrote one son, “The house you built is too huge. I live in only one room, but I have to keep the whole house clean!”
“Dear Gerald,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel. I stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes.”
“Dearest Donald,” she wrote to her third son, “You have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was Dee-licious!”
Little Emily, the minister’s daughter, ran into the house, crying as though her heart would break.
“What’s wrong, dear?” asked the pastor.
“My doll! Billy broke it!” she sobbed.
“How did he break it, Emily?”
“I hit him over the head with it.”
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