The married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
The husband asks, “I notice you’ve been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?“
“Yes” she replies, “He’s my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago.”
“That’s remarkable” the husband replies, “I wouldn’t think anybody could celebrate that long.“
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
“I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said.
The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.” When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
A policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver’s window, and asked the man if he knew why he was pulled over. “No,” the man replied.
“You failed to stop at the stop sign,” the cop explained.
“But I did slow down!” the guy argued. The cop shook his head. “You are required to stop. That’s why they’re called stop signs.”
The man started to get belligerent. “Stop, slow down – what’s the difference?”
The cop pulled out his baton. “I can show you. I’m going to start hitting you with my baton. You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down.”
Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.
So, Peter asks the first guy, “How many times did you cheat on your wife?”
“None. I had a perfect marriage.”
Great, says Peter. You get to cruise around heaven in a Viper.
And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?
“Only twice, I think,” says the second guy.
Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac.
And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?
“12 times. Maybe 13,” says the third guy.
Okay, says Peter. You get a rusty Ford. Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Viper crying.
What’s wrong?
I just saw my wife.
So?
She was riding a skateboard.
Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle. They were promptly stopped by a policeman who said, “What do you think you are doing?“
“What if you have an accident?”
The priests say, “Don’t worry, my son. God is with us.”
The policeman says, “In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle.”
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